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Taboo: Forbidden Love ~ In Love With The Berlin Wall

15 Jun

This just proves that there is nothing that people won’t have sex with. It’s a damn good thing that the Berlin Wall is not a chain link or a wood fence or this woman vagina would have some real freaking problems.

I hope to god that Home depot stocked up on their plywood because I am sure they are going to be flying off the selves after this episode!  Poor lonely single women resorting to weird objects to love and have sex with. Why can’t she just get a long purple plastic “B.O.B” (Battery Operated Boyfriend) like the rest of us?  LOL! I am pretty sure dry humping a piece of wall for years and years in your twin bed doesn’t go over too well with the gentlemen callers or roommates. I just hope this woman is smart enough to throw in a replica of the Eiffel Tower and have an orgy!

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I Am SO Disappointed Right Now: World’s Largest Penis

18 Apr

TLC Strange Sex: Well Hung

What a sad penis.

I am pretty sure this guys king cobra is trapped in a pair of Lee Dungarees and skid marked Junderpants. Of course the man with the largest Star Trek collection would also have the worlds largest dick.  I did NOT see this coming when analyzing the Penis Size World Chart! What a disappointment.  Why isn’t Mr. Moby Dick in the porn industry? At least in the porn industry he would get the respect that he deserves. And when I say respect I mean being able to bitch slap people with your 13.5 inch slong across the face.

Dear Vivid video, Please get your shit together.  Baby Forearm wants to be an actor and we are all pretty sure unless it’s on How To Catch a Predator we will never see this guy on T.V. Do your job.

Hayden Panettiere’s Fans Want To Know How A Midget Like Her Can Have Sex With Her Giant Boyfriend

13 Apr

Hayden Panettiere is 5’1″ and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6’6″ ~ So I am just throwing it out there that I bet she gives a really good blow-to-the-job!

Hayden made an appearance on Ellen and talked about how her prudish fans ask her how “it” works.  Umm I am pretty sure it’s not rocket science people. Penis insert vagina and VIOLA! Although she might have to invest in 8 inch stripper heals I am pretty sure they’ve figured it out by now? What she does need to invest in is a bag for his head. At least when they are in the star fish upside down twisted rocket position she gets to stare at his belly button and not his face. Which makes us wonder what ever happened to hottie Milo Ventimiglia? I bet those two gazed into each others eyes when fornicating. Yeah.

Bristol Palin Got Paid WHAT?!!

7 Apr

You all know how we feel about Bristol Palin.   Yup, well she got paid around $262,500 in 2009 for her work advocating that teens abstain from sex!!!!  Shucks…… and I thought graduating from college, getting married, and then procreating was the path I should have chosen? This makes me want to time travel back to high school and have lots and lots of sex just to do the opposite of what Bristol Palin says. How about they get a speaker that knows all about abstinence. Like a 40-year-old virgin. They’ve never got anyone pregnant. They also never had sex with Levi Johnston so I am pretty sure we can trust their decision-making skills.

“Vocal Point” Acapella Group From BYU ~ Guess Which Ones Are Virgins?!

4 Apr

I am almost 100% positive that BYU doesn’t have to worry about kicking any of these playboys off of the team for having sex or breaking their code of conduct. Why? Because they are too busy making acapella renditions of Thriller and Inspector Gadget than to feel the sweet sweet pleasure of dry humping their girlfriend.

Hey there is nothin’ wrong with 9 “straight” guys in plaid shirts singing about what they wish they could do most “beat it…beat it…..” A member of the group even said, “When this opportunity arose and I said, oh this looks like the most fun thing in the world!”  Hey BYU captain chastity you wanna know what’s the most fun thing in the world is? Touching boobs. I am also pretty sure I heard somewhere that it doesn’t count if it’s just the tip?

Trojan Triphoria Vibrator

7 Feb

Yes we agree, every woman should have a “B.O.B” aka “Battery Operated Boyfriend” but this commercial for the Trojan Triphoria is an embarrassment to the vagina. Why? Because I said. If any vibrator made my hair actually look like that I wouldn’t be at that bridal shower, I would be at home in bed with my feet up to the heavens! Plus no one needs three of the same vibrators! Personally I wouldn’t want to keep track of the different parts and tips to this things. There is a smorgasbord of vibrators and toys with different colors, shapes, functions, and speeds and no one should have to run down the battery’s of the same B.O.B every time. This commercial is also ridiculous because of the reaction of the “soon to be husband” at the end of the video clip ~ excited for his wife’s new toys. Laugh it up chuckles because that new toy your wife just received will at some point replace your penis when its not doing it’s job. It will be called Vibrator Envy!

650 lbs. Virgin David Smith

7 Feb

I know I am a little behind on my t.v. especially since this show was out in 2009 on TLC, but while semi delirious of sleep deprivation and flipping through the channels last night I ran into: 650 lb Virgin ~ Watch the clip and be amazed!

In 2003 David Smith decided to drop his excess weight after decades of unhappiness and self-loathing. On the brink of suicide David reached out for help to fitness trainer Chris Powell through a local TV station, the two then began a weight loss journey that would result in David losing 450 lbs in 23 months!

Why this show has to emphasize on the fact he is a virgin is really stupid. Of course this guy is going to have a hard time getting straddled, his best friend that he lives with has his biceps practically throbbing out of his shirt. Again since I am years behind watching this show, If David is still a virgin I have lost all faith in the female sex because I know there is a girl out there that is 1 shot of Jager away from having at least a shameful one night stand with this guy! But honestly I think David is amazing! Most people would give up or take the easy way out and he is proof that it takes dedication and hard work to get the results you are looking for to find happiness! Also since he is now a personal trainer himself I hope he can help us rid the world of  what we at the Dirty Doxy like to call the pumpkin puss plague.

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