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I PREDICTED IT! Scotty Mccreery Won American Idol!

25 May

I still haven’t watched a single episode this season, but I knew that Scotty Mccreery was destined for greatness because of his awful resemblance to Alfred E. Newman! I predicted this shit! See here


Penis Repellent of the Month: Sarah Jessica Parker

18 May

If Sex in the City was a real life story and Sarah Jessica Parker really got laid n’ paid like Carrie Bradshaw then…………  I would sale all my shit and move to New York!  Let’s be honest if any man would saddle up and ride that stallion, I could probably make it BIG in NYC….. (get it  – BIG)

I am sure she is just a charming breed and it’s unfortunate that she has to re-live Ferris Bueller’s Day Off  every day of her life because she married Matthew Broderick (Who was also almost nominated due to his Donald Trump comb over.) On the up side at least she has cute kids and ass loads of stylish clothes from her Sex in the City gig.

Arnold Schwazanegger’s Love Child Mother

18 May

Wow. When I heard about this whole “The Terminator has a love child” situation, I envisioned some uber hot nanny that was tempting the Kindergarten Cop with he goodies day and night. Turns out he likes more cushion for the pushin with a few years under their belt. Boy, is she a looker!

This is the woman who broke up the Govenator’s marriage:

I mean, clearly he was in it for the motorboatin’. How could he not be ?

Basically he hired the maid from Family Guy:

Apparently he made sweet sweet Austrian love to her all over the haus and Maria didn’t even know it! Then when his “bang maid” (Thanks Always Sunny in Philadelphia) popped a baby bump, Arnold didn’t even notice.  You’d think he’d get a clue when the maids seven month old was lifting up Bentley’s in the drive way, but no. ESCANDAL!!!!

Oh Arnold, you could get the freaky alien in the jungle and save the world, but you couldn’t keep a love child under wraps.

I bet Miss Patty, that’s the maid, saw Junior and thought “Shit, if he can do it, I can do it.” She was hurtin’ for a squirtin’.

Britney Spears is in Park City, UT

17 May

She has to be. I saw this used pregnancy test on the floor in a Chevron gas station bathroom.

At first I thought it might be Amy Winehouse, but then I checked Dlisted and saw that she’s back in the rehabs.

The Royal Wedding = Cinderella

12 May

We all know how I feel about The Royal Wedding. Which is why this photo made me SO happy! I don’t care that it is fake. I am pretty sure whomever photoshopped this is a 50 year old – single female – virgin – with 7 cats – hoping one day her prince will come.

To have that much time on your hands leads me to believe that crying with a box of tissues watching Cinderella and the TIVO recording of The Royal Wedding might be an everyday occurrence? Oh who am I kidding I spent 30 minutes posting fake tits and sexy abs inside a iphone —–> See Here!  However I still think Princess tweedle dee and Princess tweedle dum make great evil step sisters!  Awww…… if only their horrid hats could vanish at midnight.

The Real Cinderella

The Real Evil Step Sisters ~ Cinderella

Lindsay Lohan’s Might Be Teaching Acting Classes at a Homeless Shelter?

11 May

TMZ  is reporting that Lindsey Lohan is serving her community service by teaching acting classes at a woman’s homeless shelter. The workshop is called D.I.V.A.S — which stands for Dames Investing in Very Authentic Storytelling — and it consists of approximately 15 women who meet two hours a week … to learn how to express themselves through writing, performing, and the spoken word.

Because that is what every homeless woman needs is to learn D list acting skills so that one day their dream will come true of being in a movie like The Parent Trap or Herbie.  What she really should be teaching them is how to serve no jail time and still piss all over the judicial system and shoplift.  This may work out to be a win-win for Lindsay because if my calculations are correct Lindsay should actually be homeless by the year 2016, so let’s hope she makes friends.

Marg Helgenberger Thinks Beiber is a Brat

9 May

That bitch! She better watch her back or she’ll be solving the case of how her teeth got knocked out! If all you Beliebers will flip back in your “I HEART JUSTIN FOR LIFE” notebooks you will remember that he had a guest spot on CSI. Well Helgenbeyotch told the NYDN that when Beiber was on the show she thought he was a “brat”.  Wait, don’t throw all your Bonne Belle Lipsmackers at the screen. There’s more.

The beast said “Um. Justin Bieber wasn’t bad. He never acted before. I shouldn’t be saying this, but he was kind of a brat. He was very nice to me. But he locked one of the producers in a closet and he put his fist through a cake that was on the craft service table.”

Listen, ya whore. Did you see Never Say Never? Those are teen antics and they are FUNNY! She clearly doesn’t understand the ravenous bite that is the Beiliebers! But, JB is a good boy and he got her back on the Tweets.

“it’s kinda lame when someone you met briefly and never worked with comments on you. I will continue to wish them luck and be kind. I know who i am and sometimes people r just going 2 say what they want. Keep ur head up and be the man ur mama raised. #killemwithkindness”

So take that!! I, for one, am glad this happened because I can already tell that another major hit is being written based on this very incident.

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