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Pejazzling = Vajazzle for your PENIS!

19 May

OMG!

Breath in….. Breath out…. Breath in…..

I have an important announcement, “You can now BEDAZZLE your dick!”

In case your ride the blue bus or for all of the virgins out there a Pejazzle is a line of stick-on crystals that you place above your wang chung.

I can only see this turning into a “little man’s syndrome” epidemic. Why? Because men are competitive. One day it will be Pejazzling a douche bag cross on their junk and they next day it will be they whole damn outline of Mary with a rosarie, rays of sunshine, and and eagle!   – Who can have the bigger and better bling on your thing!-

No offense but I already get nauseated looking at the Affliction douche capes that have the rhinestones and flames. This is the last thing women need is for the douche to spread down to their under carriage. I would also consider this a work hazard, I personally don’t want Swarovski crystals reflecting light off into my eyes causing some type of retina damage! (I don’t know why I would be down there in the first place, weird?)

Bottom line. This will only attract those who loves disco, barbed wire tattoos, and craft conventions.

iAugmentation: The App Your Boyfriend Has Always Wanted

12 May

The iAugment is a FREE iphone app that allows you to get a virtual boob job in seconds.  You upload a picture of your breastacles, highlight each titty, adjust the “circles” to your body, and then pick your implant size, ranging 210 cc to 690 cc.

Just be aware that your husband or boyfriend HAS downloaded this already, chosen 550 cc., jerked off, and saved the picture as your contact in his phone. It’s too damn bad that they haven’t created an app for us woman, which most men would think it would be called the icock,  idong,  or ispywithmylittleeye,  Oh heavens no!  I have narrowed it down to my 3 top choices:

ihavemoney


ihaveasixpack

iclean



Lindsay Lohan’s Might Be Teaching Acting Classes at a Homeless Shelter?

11 May

TMZ  is reporting that Lindsey Lohan is serving her community service by teaching acting classes at a woman’s homeless shelter. The workshop is called D.I.V.A.S — which stands for Dames Investing in Very Authentic Storytelling — and it consists of approximately 15 women who meet two hours a week … to learn how to express themselves through writing, performing, and the spoken word.

Because that is what every homeless woman needs is to learn D list acting skills so that one day their dream will come true of being in a movie like The Parent Trap or Herbie.  What she really should be teaching them is how to serve no jail time and still piss all over the judicial system and shoplift.  This may work out to be a win-win for Lindsay because if my calculations are correct Lindsay should actually be homeless by the year 2016, so let’s hope she makes friends.

The Royal Wedding UGLY Hats!

29 Apr

I could care less about the Royal Wedding. There, I said it. Don’t judge me.

I don’t care what Kate Middleton decided to wear, or what compression hoses the Queen decided to go with, and I really don’t care how bald Prince William looks (okay maybe just a little) So while you crazy people got up at 3:00 a.m. to watch it on t.v. I slept soundly in my bed having sex dreams about Ian Somerhalder (I shamefully watched the damn Vampire Diaries before I went to sleep.)

However, the one thing I LOVE is people wearing ugly hats!!  I don’t care if it’s at Kentucky Derby or Westminster Abbey, I have a small orgasm over people wearing these horrid fashion accessories!  Someone at the Royal Wedding must have sent out an ugly hat text because they ugly showed up like a herps outbreak.  I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw The Princess Eugenie of York and Princess Beatrice of York. They are supposedly Valentino Couture and I am sure they paid more than my mortgage payment for them. Nice mauve fucking bow on your head.

Or how about Posh Spice aka David Beckam’s 80 lb wife aka Victoria Beckam

Just because your friends are doing it doesn’t mean you should too……. put the pretend coral reef hat down!

Avatar meets a craft store.

I Am SO Disappointed Right Now: World’s Largest Penis

18 Apr

TLC Strange Sex: Well Hung

What a sad penis.

I am pretty sure this guys king cobra is trapped in a pair of Lee Dungarees and skid marked Junderpants. Of course the man with the largest Star Trek collection would also have the worlds largest dick.  I did NOT see this coming when analyzing the Penis Size World Chart! What a disappointment.  Why isn’t Mr. Moby Dick in the porn industry? At least in the porn industry he would get the respect that he deserves. And when I say respect I mean being able to bitch slap people with your 13.5 inch slong across the face.

Dear Vivid video, Please get your shit together.  Baby Forearm wants to be an actor and we are all pretty sure unless it’s on How To Catch a Predator we will never see this guy on T.V. Do your job.

Shit That Needs To Go: Round Glasses aka Harry Potter Glasses

16 Apr

Guess what atrocity is becoming a trend.

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I am pretty sure when Daniel Radcliffe put on these glasses he didn’t think to himself  “this bad ass is going to be a trend-setter!”

It has been brought to my attention that “Muggles” (Yup I said Harry Potter lingo) are now wearing these spectacles of awfulness. So listen up 14/20 vision fashionistas the fact that you looked in the mirror and thought *Damn I look good* and left the house with these on kinda makes us want to punch you in the vagina and or man-gina. The only time you should be allowed to wear these glasses is when you are at home alone locked in your bedroom and having a reading marathon of all 7 Harry Potter books.

Hayden Panettiere’s Fans Want To Know How A Midget Like Her Can Have Sex With Her Giant Boyfriend

13 Apr

Hayden Panettiere is 5’1″ and her boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko is 6’6″ ~ So I am just throwing it out there that I bet she gives a really good blow-to-the-job!

Hayden made an appearance on Ellen and talked about how her prudish fans ask her how “it” works.  Umm I am pretty sure it’s not rocket science people. Penis insert vagina and VIOLA! Although she might have to invest in 8 inch stripper heals I am pretty sure they’ve figured it out by now? What she does need to invest in is a bag for his head. At least when they are in the star fish upside down twisted rocket position she gets to stare at his belly button and not his face. Which makes us wonder what ever happened to hottie Milo Ventimiglia? I bet those two gazed into each others eyes when fornicating. Yeah.

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